In my innocence, this resonated with my understanding of why some men had big bellies.
Later, I understood that society carefully constructed 'gender boxes'; which constitute a set of characteristics that determine the attitudes, roles, behaviour and actions of men and women, and which are transferred to boys and girls through socialization; for them to be 'a good girl / woman' or 'man'.
From this, I learned that men were not expected to show emotions and have to always look and be strong even when it is not the case.
Last weekend, a gentleman shared with me his own experience to confirm his lived reality.
'When funds were no longer available, project activities stopped, and I was laid off. My fellow men, with whom I used to mingle with at various occasions, abandoned me and started telling me that it was inappropriate to live on a woman's salary, because men have to always be breadwinners for the family,' he confidently testified.
That man also reminded me of another scenario where the same group of friends criticized him, saying that he has 'been bewitched'' by his wife.
'That was not surprising coming from them. Last year, when I started going home early to help my children do their homework, and support my wife with household chores, my friends would write in our WhatsApp group that my wife had bewitched me.
'They nicknamed me 'Inganzwa' [a man who has been bewitched and is controlled by his wife]. They could not understand how I am involved in responsibilities such as cleaning the dishes, cooking and so forth which are believed to be the women's and girls' tasks,' he continued.
He tried to find jobs here and there but could not manage to secure one. In between jobs, his family members also started attacking him and questioning his manhood. As the pressure mounted, his mental health was negatively impacted.
'I felt that I was no longer a man and was good for nothing. I tried to commit suicide twice but failed. I decided to meet a psychologist who provided me with counseling sessions. This made me regain a sense of hope for the future.
'Two months ago, I managed to get a new job which filled me with a sense of self-esteem and gave me room to meet my needs of peace of mind, growth and contribution to family and society. I have started engaging my fellow men in discussions about how to liberate the community from 'toxic masculinity effects'. Their positive actions are showing that they have understood that men can be allies in promoting gender justice, and a culture of human rights in our daily interactions,' he acknowledged.
This experience is beyond just telling a story. It reflects how society rewards those who behave and act according to socially constructed norms and punishes those who don't. It shows that men, who stay in their 'gender box', are powerful, confident, proud and invulnerable, while failure to conform leads to isolation, abuse and shame.
In the midst of globalization and its positive impact across continents, we should prioritize our safety and self-acceptance instead of conforming to a culture that deprives us of attaining our dignity.
It is futile to prove our 'manhood' in the 21st century. Instead, we should be prioritizing collective well-being, joint decision-making, equal rights and opportunities, as well as access to resources for all of us to thrive.
The moment is now to foster collaboration between people from ALL GENDERS to build together society, promote fairness and create harmonious, healthier and meaningful relationships.
The writer, Theoneste Ndungutse is a poet, storyteller, and novelist with 11 years of experience as a practitioner in human rights, peacebuilding, and youth empowerment across Rwanda and the Great Lakes Region of Africa.
Theoneste Ndungutse
Source : https://en.igihe.com/opinion/article/how-rigid-gender-norms-cost-life-and-dignity
